Oh, Noisy Bells, Be Dumb, I Hear You, I Will Move Even Further Out Into the Exurbs
This month’s Observer features an essay by Jeff Mortimer, a longtime A2 resident who decided he’d had it with the noise of downtown. The piece, titled “An urbanite in Eberwhite,” as if moving from downtown Ann Arbor to a slightly more sprawled out area of Ann Arbor is a massive fish-out-of-water culture shock, details his frustration with downtown and eventual move to a quieter area. “The very qualities that had lured me downtown and kept me there — the hustle and bustle, the electricity in the air — eventually began to morph from charms to drawbacks,” he writes. Among the drawbacks: car stereos, “all-too-close party houses” and “boisterous imbibers returning noisily from a night on the town.”
But even his new neighborhood isn’t quite perfect; it’s got church bells, barking dogs and people doing yardwork. Mortimer concludes by reminiscing about the quieter time of his childhood, when silence was “universal,” before modern nuisances like bells and dogs fought to dominate the aural landscape.
Sounds like Mortimer is just a whiner who’d find something to dislike about anyplace he lived. Nice of him to share his misery though. My day’s not complete till I hear someone in this town whining about whatever/whoever’s bothering them.
posted by mj on July 5th, 2005 at 12:24 pmOh man, I wish they’d put their articles on the interweb.
posted by rjwhite on July 5th, 2005 at 12:56 pmDamn you, Ben Franklin and Thomas Edison, for inventing dogs and bells respectively!
posted by RDS on July 5th, 2005 at 1:21 pmAt some early point along the way in my life’s adventures, I learned that not everything that happened around me was going to happen exactly the way I wanted it to. I similarly learned that there were people out there, lots of them, whose existences didn’t hinge on whether or not their choices made me happy. It’s unnerving that old Morty Mortimer never picked up on this lesson. It might help him understand the fact that people generally eat, sleep, excrete, and carry on a host of other activities without explicitly consulting him first.
posted by Real Big on July 5th, 2005 at 1:23 pmAnn Arbor has “hussle and bustle”? During the 51 weeks a year that it’s not Art Fair?
posted by Anna on July 5th, 2005 at 2:04 pmWell, I think the Saturdays of football home games would also qualify as “hustle and bustle,” but I don’t really get this guy’s beef either. Maybe he needs to go live out in the countryside by himself — though then he would probably complain about those damn crickets.
posted by Dave on July 5th, 2005 at 2:27 pmA somewhat different example, but same theme: the article isn’t online, but in the June 30 edition of the Business Review (Washtenaw-Livingston), Harvey Berman, a local lawyer, wrote a column about these people who moved out to the country (building McMansions next to farms) and then got all uppity because of the noise and smell the farms made. (What were those maroons thinking?) The nouveau-rural tried to sue the farmers; the nouveau-rural lost. (Michigan has a Right to Farm Act which protects working farms.)
He says this: “The reason that a move to the country can be risky business is mainly due to the Michigan Right to Farm Act that provides farmers with the right to conduct authorized farming activities, even if they offend neighbors. Developers, homeowners and municipalities must be aware of these rights to avoid hardship.”
Risky business?! Hardship?! What ever happened to checking out the neighborhood before you buy someplace? What ever happened to not moving next to a farm if you don’t like the noise/smell of farms? Are these people just that selfish and/or daft?
posted by Laura F on July 5th, 2005 at 2:36 pmOn the other hand… I live in a decidedly non-farm area (lots of less than 1/6 an acre, ‘city’ neighborhood that was built in the 1920s)… and the people two doors down from me decided it was high time to adopt a pet rooster. You don’t know hustle and bustle until you’ve lived two doors down from a rooster.
posted by Anna on July 5th, 2005 at 3:31 pmDear Mr. Mortimer,
posted by js on July 5th, 2005 at 3:53 pmHave you ever tried a Silence Sack? Made by craftspeople in underdeveloped countries populated by charming brown people and their ancestral ways, a Silence Sack is a wonderful escape from the “hustle and bustle” of even the most sedate suburb.
Made from high quality burlap, with a hand-stitched cotton batting liner (did we mention the brown people? They stitch in the tradition of their village!), the Silence Sack is meant to be worn over the head, protecting you from the dangerous ambient noises that have been known to spoil the perfect contemplation of one’s ego. As the perfect contemplation of one’s ego is what leads people to write suburban fish-out-of-water stories, I can tell that you would be well served by placing the Silence Sack over your head.
Marginally ventilated and generally described as artisanally stiffling, the Silence Sack is sure to solve all of your bourgiouse trifling problems. And by returning pennies to a third-world country, you can be sure that your social consciousness can be minimally assauged.
We hope you enjoy your new Silence Sack, Mr. Mortimer.
If you read the entire article, you’ll also see that Jerry Mortimer has taken to cursing God for making his farts so earthshatteringly loud, and is investing in a fart pillow so that he is no longer roused from his precious sleep in the middle of the night by his own cacophonous toots.
posted by Real Big on July 5th, 2005 at 4:25 pmI don’t know which post was funnier, js’ or Real Big’s.
My own take is that Mr. Mortimer should indeed move out to the real country where he can start his own militia group. Call it a “Militia of One.”
posted by Lazaro on July 5th, 2005 at 4:28 pmSince when did “Hustle and Bustle” ever equate to silence?
Out of sheer curiosity, I wonder how old Mr. Mortimer is, and where he grew up. Somehow, I’m doubting dead silence prevailed, unless he was the secret child of a monk and a nun in a silent monestary. And even then, don’t they ring a bell for dinner?
posted by Jen on July 5th, 2005 at 6:26 pmYou’re all fucking cunts.
posted by kp on July 5th, 2005 at 6:36 pmKarl Pohrt, is that you?
posted by js on July 5th, 2005 at 7:08 pm(Man, that sure shows the danger of trying to use verbs as adjectives, doesn’t it?)
Sure does. Say, wouldn’t you love to be married to this guy? Just think of all the mindless obejctions he’d likely have to every facet of your being on a daily basis! Fun!
posted by catfish that got away on July 5th, 2005 at 7:26 pmYo the “electricity” in down town ann arbor is a social phenomenon with the character of the olfactory note of 3-day-old phish for sale. Nowhere have I noticed any “urban” area with such a high “pretend” feel to it as it is an entirely artificial construct and has no anchoring in any kind of industry or working class (by which I do not mean midwest blue collar workers, but simply the presence of money to be made).. so what you get is a bunch of college hacks who are venting their frustration at the job market and so forth on whoever wanders into the downtown area by mouthing off from their drunken stupor, itself fueled by the idea that they are smart, which is based on nothing but the willingness to borrow loads of $$$$$ from mom and dad or the bank in order to cough up the tuition dough for the U. If the majority of that crowd had the sense of what it means to be intelligent it just wouldn’t be that ann arbor charm anymore. Go blue.
By the way I post tonite to bring you this gem, apparently you can get $0.20 per tail for prime squirrel tails from this company which uses them to make lures.
http://www.mepps.com/mepps/information/squirrels/
And I don’t mean to rag too hard ann arbor has its points and I don’t want to make the situation worse.
posted by tres begrell on July 5th, 2005 at 11:43 pmIt’s a pity he moved to escape the noise…earplugs would have been quite a bit cheaper.
posted by Matthew on July 6th, 2005 at 8:42 amtres begrell:
cue: Upright Citizens Brigade “allow me to speak incoherently” line from the Cyborgs episode, follow it up with the principal from Billy Madison’s meditations on Billy’s “Industrial Revolution” speech.
posted by Real Big on July 6th, 2005 at 8:49 amreliable sources inform me that endless bell-ringing makes barking dogs salivate prodigiously, violently overflowing allen’s creek downstream and flooding the first and william surface lot.
posted by peter honeyman on July 6th, 2005 at 5:41 pmLove the title of your Site!
posted by ZuDfunck on July 6th, 2005 at 7:16 pmEverything is over rated, even ZuDfunck…
I was in AnnArbor Sunday night and saw the crowds,
It must be hell if you want to go to sleep early.
Drunkin’ slugs, Boomin’ Bass,
You could probably move to a farmhouse, saw lots of them out there as well.
Peter - Better let the Friends of the AAGW know about the flooding potential at 1st and William.
posted by AJ on July 7th, 2005 at 10:09 amaj, i’m siding with the brownway folks, who want to dig a pit at first and william so that downtowners can cool off in a refreshing muddy pond.
posted by peter honeyman on July 7th, 2005 at 12:20 pmSo where can I sign up to be on Team Brownway?
posted by Bobcat on July 7th, 2005 at 2:40 pmStill LOL about a suggestion made somewhere else (here?) to go for an Ann Arbor Glideway. If I can repeat and give it justice, it goes like this:
Build two parking stuctures, greenway in between, and then handglide backandforth and backandforth. If you fall, you are saved by the green. A brown “cushion” would be too disgusting and would discourage lycra’d gliders from coming to AA. Loss of revenue.
off topic, sorry, back to bells. I love bells.
posted by AJ on July 7th, 2005 at 8:52 pmi - love - dashes - because - i - hate - commas.
posted by Jason Lasik on July 8th, 2005 at 11:55 amI completely understand Mortimor’s complaint about the noise that drunken revelers make walking back from bars. I think that local barkeeps should place a restrictive corridor between ingress/egress points of their bars and parking lots. Only people who have driven to and will drive from the bar should be allowed in to imbibe. Let them make their excessive noise on our already noisy highways, not Ann Arbor’s pristine sidewalks.
posted by Ann Arbor Expat on July 8th, 2005 at 1:06 pmThat would have the happy side-effect of killing the revelers and maybe a few other drunken, stumbling pedestrians — brilliant!
posted by Anna on July 8th, 2005 at 1:20 pm,–, why not use both,
posted by AJ on July 8th, 2005 at 3:26 pmI used to love the sound of the nighthawks on top of the Eaton factory. Not that there will be condos (comma) there will only be post-yuppie (what do they call them nowadays?) drunken revelers and christmas lights on top of the condo building (dash) too bad.
posted by AJ on July 8th, 2005 at 3:29 pmi think you mean dash dash.
i don’t mind the booze-addled revelers stumbling toward their cars, yelling “WOO!” and “WOOOOOOOOO!”, sometimes tearing the radio antenna off my car because they admire the antenna-topper, other times delivering a fully cooked, partially digested meal on my doorstep, or pissing in the alley next to my loft but i sure hated THE LINK: FROM THE STATE STREET AREA TO THE U OF M DIAG every 10 minutes. i am SO GLAD no one rode that stupid thing.
posted by peter honeyman on July 8th, 2005 at 6:39 pmPeter, AJ meant “em dash.”
posted by js on July 9th, 2005 at 1:04 pmSorry. Copy editing. (Em dash, en dash, hyphen!)
What’s wrong with bells? The two carillons of Ann Arbor are the best things about Tree Town. You gotta love a place where you can hear Sesame Street while walking to work.
posted by DrMandrake on July 10th, 2005 at 5:57 pmDoes anyone know if the beautiful night hawks can stay at the Eaton condo or will they unfortunately head out to Jeff Mortimer’s place?
You’re right, js, I did mean “em dash” — how perceptive.
Bob Dascola says “…the Link will be back in the fall.” Spread the rumor: It has a stop right in front of J. Mortimer’s house. (see http://www.arborupdate.com/article/911/#c005029)
Peter - Now, are you sure the meals are “fully cooked”? Maybe they were only partially cooked and that’s the reason they were rejected…ur, ejected.
Just wondering. (I must have a lot of time on my hands.)
posted by AJ on July 12th, 2005 at 12:06 pmThere are bells all over Ann Arbor, and they’re all too loud!! The other day, I was trying to quietly ruminate about the greatness of my , and some bells (I couldn’t identify which bells they were, but I recorded them and will angrily play a tape of them at the next city council meeting) needlessly interrupted my thoughts more than once! If I can’t live in Ann Arbor and do exactly what I want to do, exactly when I want to do it, what kind of a city is it?
posted by Ann Arbor Expat on July 12th, 2005 at 2:55 pmPeople who complain about farmers after they move there are in the same category as people who complain about airports. I mean, didn’t they notice the large metal birds flying over their house as they bought it?
posted by Kozzie on July 12th, 2005 at 4:39 pmA2 Expat: This is speaking to you! (sorry to interrupt)
“No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine own were; any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.”
–John (”Bells”) Dunne
posted by AJ on July 13th, 2005 at 4:22 pmLet’s face it, the guy needs Prozac[TM].
posted by Buzz on July 22nd, 2005 at 1:36 pmgambling in Japan - There are plenty of other ways to gamble your money away in japan, including pachinko parlors and many publicly operated gambling facilities
posted by Josh Stoner on July 31st, 2005 at 4:16 pmIt shouldn’t surprise anyone that Jeffy-weffy is 58, twice-divorced and living alone (unless you count his three cats).
Actually, he is even more of a jerk if you know him in person.
posted by RC on September 2nd, 2005 at 6:09 pmthat’s mean, rc.
– peter, once divorced and living alone (unless you count my three kids)
posted by peter honeyman on September 2nd, 2005 at 10:26 pmPeter, although I don’t know you, I do know him and I very much doubt that you are anywhere near as big of a jerk as he his, in person or on paper. That is why he is twice-divorced and living alone. It may or may not be “mean,” but it certainly is the truth.
posted by RC on September 4th, 2005 at 3:49 pmWhich begs the question … if he is such a jerk, how does he get a date int he first place?
posted by Jon T. on September 5th, 2005 at 9:14 pmIt raises the question, not begs it. Dammit.
posted by Dave on September 6th, 2005 at 2:46 pmDave gets a pedant point.
posted by js on September 6th, 2005 at 5:28 pmThey are not redeemable.
howbout, “He is such a jerk, and jerks can’t get dates, so how is he able to get a date?”- I think that begs the question, doesn’t it?
posted by Real Big on September 6th, 2005 at 9:10 pmi think so.
posted by peter honeyman on September 7th, 2005 at 7:54 amNo, it doesn’t… begging a question is to ignore the obvious question by NOT asking it.
posted by Dave on September 7th, 2005 at 9:51 amAnd the obvious question being begged is…
How much would it cost to get the Ice Cream Man to circle Mortimer’s block until November?
posted by Parking Structure Dude! on September 7th, 2005 at 12:21 pmDave, Peter, Big: You’re all wrong.
posted by js on September 7th, 2005 at 4:04 pmBegging the question would go like this: “He’s such a big jerk that he can’t get any dates. What makes him a big jerk? Well, he can’t get any dates.”
Begging the question means using your assumed conclusion to support your starting position. It’s a form of circular logic.
This suggests that Josh is right: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Begs_the_question
posted by Parking Structure Dude! on September 7th, 2005 at 4:10 pmYeah, yeah, that’s what I meant to say.
This site has a good explanation, too:
http://www.fallacyfiles.org/begquest.html
I think I’ll start calling it “Circulus in Probando” just to confuse things more.
posted by Dave on September 7th, 2005 at 4:29 pmJS, I don’t know. I never dated him. You might be able to find out by consulting a 1982 Ann Arbor Yellow Pages.
Parking Structure Dude, you are a genius.
posted by RC on September 11th, 2005 at 11:36 amI feel like cursing today. I read the wiki article. My usage of “begs the question” falls under the “modern usage” section.
Here we go. This sucks the flaming dick of the question with smoke pouring out like a refinery fire … if this guy is such a jerk and dicks have a hard (heh) time getting a date and you ususally date before you marry…how was this guy married twice?
posted by A Different Jon on September 12th, 2005 at 6:31 amA different Jon,
It is not my experience that jerks have any flavor of a hard time when it comes to getting dates. And I know a lot of nice guys (and gals) who would concur. I did imply that colossal jerks have a hard time staying married.
posted by RC on September 13th, 2005 at 11:09 pm