The Abelian Egg Group
Just when you thought the food questions in the Ann Arbor News “Connection” couldn’t get any weirder, this week’s column comes along and outdoes, or at least matches, any previous inquiries about “oldie” sauerkraut salad or Old Country Buffet pudding: the writer wants a recipe for “a breakfast dish and the ingredients included 18 eggs, sour cream and ham.” News writer Marge Biancke obliges with two egg recipes, one calling for three eggs and the other for six - perhaps they’re supposed to be multiplied together. Is egg-recipe multiplication commutative?
Ugh. What is this sludge that these people are eating for breakfast? Vile combos of mostly pre-processed ingredients, topped off with the classic can of cream of mushroom soup–it’s straight out of a “Prairie Home Companion” story about surreal Lutheran church potlucks. But I am comforted to know that I can indeed find rolled frosting in Ann Arbor (just as in Jolly Old).
posted by Laura on April 7th, 2004 at 10:37 pmWhat’s the official AAIO position on the Daily’s use of the wrod “alright” in an op-ed column headline? Is it an acceptable colloqualism, or should we ridicule them for it?
posted by Lucky Jackson on April 8th, 2004 at 9:26 amUnacceptable. “A’ight”, however, is standard form. A’ight?
posted by js on April 8th, 2004 at 10:20 amjs
At least once, I’ve seen Cream of Mushroom soup called the Universal Binding Ingredient. This was in Thomas Pynchon’s “Vineland.” Probably not the first mention, but the only one I’ve ever seen…
posted by Kevin on April 8th, 2004 at 10:55 am(if anyone on this list made it all the way, gasping, through _Mason and Dixon_, I take my hat off to you. Talk about unreadable.) OK, back to cream of mushroom soup.
posted by Laura on April 8th, 2004 at 8:10 pmBack in the day, my wife and I were “Crumpettes” and supped on the expense account of the Ann Arbor News courtesy of our chummy relationship with their past restaurant reviewer, our close friend, Constance Crump.
That artery choking breakfast is an obvious favorite of the German descendants of the Old West Side.
posted by mucho (cholesterol) gucho on April 8th, 2004 at 8:41 pmI think it’s worth noting that Mrs. Karsten is clearly an elderly woman (maybe not old enough to sign herself “Mrs. Gerald Karsten, but pretty old) and that the elderly often have tastes which to us seem quaint and old fashioned. It’s pretty funny lampooning old people, but not all that satisfying in the long run, as we will all be old one day ourselves, and pretty much none of us will be cool.
Speaking of old, when I was in high school I used to read Constance Crump’s accounts of her adventures with the Crumpettes. Those were the first restaurant reviews I read, and her dinners seemed to me very sophisticated. In my narrow world view she probably held the spot currently occupied by Dorothy Parker. So Mucho, you probably didn’t know about it, but you were a teen idol of sorts, once upon a time.
Maybe you still are.
posted by Elwood on April 9th, 2004 at 11:16 amYeah, I thought about that and felt a little bad, except I’m not really making fun of old people so much as 1970’s food.
posted by ann arbor is overrated on April 9th, 2004 at 2:19 pmuh hi. I was just reading Current magazine and I saw yours was voted best blog so I thought I would say hi. so uh- hi- ok bye, Sarah
posted by sarah on April 10th, 2004 at 1:54 pmDon’t you want some cheese with your cheese, AAIO?
Judging from the Rich and Creamy Hot Fudge Sauce in that article, either the News writer is still eating a 70’s diet or Nestle is in bed with the corn lobby. Susan asked for an easy recipe and she got the most fattening recipe they could find. (1/2 the butter, half the vanilla, no corn syrup = classic fudge sauce)
posted by Hillary on April 10th, 2004 at 1:55 pmI seriously doubt that Constance Crump and the Crumpettes would have reviewed any hog trough buffet like Old Country or Sweden House.
posted by mucho gusto on April 11th, 2004 at 7:54 amElwood! Your Treetown sensitivity is duly noted. But I’m here to tell you that my 73-year-old mom is the sharpest cookie around, no fuddy-duddy, and I plan to grow old with maximum attitude. Besides, there’s no way to tell how old the writer was. It’s pure speculation on your part, and not a little stereotypical about seniors, I might add. I know of at least 4 seniors off the top of my head who rock. So ditch the ageism!
posted by Laura on April 12th, 2004 at 11:28 pmOften I find myself parked outside a Country Buffet watching the inhabitants waddle in and out. I ask myself, “who could participate in such red-neckery; downing tubs of lard and eating ambrosia at every meal?” One time, as I looked at the McDonalds Double-Quarter-Pounder with Cheese on my lap, I almost answered that question.
posted by UV Index: Red on April 13th, 2004 at 12:08 amWhat, you think she’s not old? Are you a fucking idiot, Laura? She’s been reading the News and clipping recipes for damn near thirty years. At least. Thirty years of the News, accompanied by 18 egg breakfasts, is going to make anyone into a geezer. Can I get an “Amen”?
And yeah, I’m sure your Mom’s a real trip. And that you yourself will be the hippest diaper wearing old biddy in town. But here’s the real story, everyone is GOING TO HATE YOU. Because you’ll be an old, filthy, smelly, wrinkly, fucking has-been. And here’s how it will end. You’ll be standing in line at Meijer, leaning on your cart full of cottage cheese and frozen dinners, lifting them in slow motion with one hand onto the conveyor, inching forward, fumbling in your gargantuan purse for your checkbook, and then your glasses, and then a pen. You’ll debate the price of the Lean Cuisine’s for a few minutes with the cashier (you’ll actually be recalling a glorious day they were on sale ten years ago–and the portions so much lager then!). The bagger will run back to the frozen aisle to double check the price, but you’ll still give off the offended air of someone who’s being lied to. You’ll start to write the check, but the palsy will make your hand shake. You’ll pause for a moment to catch your breath and then finish up the check, pausing to deduct the amount from your balance before you tear out the check. Then you’ll remember your coupons, so you’ll have to start over with the check. The cashier will glare at you. Waves of hatred that rattle car windows in the parking lot will emanate from the five people in line behind you. As your groceries are loaded into your cart, and you’ve re-balanced your checkbook, you’ll demand that the cashier bring you a manager so that you can discuss “his attitude.” You won’t pull your cart forward.
At that precise moment, this guy (maybe me!), who’s been getting the DT’s, vibrating behind you in line hugging his 12 pack of Moosehead, will swing that 12 pack of Moosehead (bottles) into the back of your scaly, pink, balding skull. Your brains will splatter all over the conveyor, further delaying checkout, but the other people behind you in line will nonetheless hoist the 12 pack swinger onto their shoulders and parade him around the store to the hearty cheers of all. The scent of blood in the air will cause a riot, and every geezer in the store will be slaughtered.
Your kids will sue the fuck out of Meijer, get rich, and send Mr. 12 Pack Swinger a gushing “thank you” card.
posted by torONTo on April 13th, 2004 at 10:05 amSo, how about those Tigers?
posted by Porky the Michigander on April 13th, 2004 at 11:52 amTonight the Bluejays crucify them.
posted by torONTo on April 13th, 2004 at 11:58 amAnn Arbor has two kinds of food, yuppie food and old-people food. I like yuppie food and old people, so when I’m mocking yuppie food, I’m mocking the people, and when I’m mocking old-people food, I’m mocking the food.
posted by ann arbor is overrated on April 13th, 2004 at 3:47 pmHm. You paint a slightly less than rosy picture of my golden years, torONTo. You sound like a fun date, though–provided the Prozac intake is on or ahead of schedule. Doing anything next weekend?
posted by Laura on April 13th, 2004 at 9:12 pmYou’re already too old for me.
posted by torONTo on April 14th, 2004 at 9:29 amEverybody knows sex with old people is hott. Just ask Mykel Board.
posted by Alex on April 14th, 2004 at 1:59 pmOh, jeez, I’m so crushed, torONTo. But I’ll try to find a way to deal with the pain.
posted by Laura on April 16th, 2004 at 8:45 pm